Why 1.5? Well the reason for this is that I wrote the first five pages of the script and ran out of steam. The idea for the film has changed so much over the past three or four months that what I had in mind for the ending had completely changed because of the way I was telling the story.
I ended up with five pages not knowing where I wanted the story to go, which is because I kept changing my mind upon the story every five minutes. Draft 0.5/1 had dropped the fact that the son William was going to university and it was more about trying to helping his dad out by killing people. I think that because there was less of a stronger motive and less character development in both the son; William and the Funeral Director; Thomas, I just couldn't really care enough for the characters to really know where they should end up.
It was at this point that I sent the script to Kamilla Hodol who will be co-producing the film with me. I thought that I should just send what I had written to see exactly what was wrong with the script so far and why I wasn't able to continue.
It was already evident to me what was wrong with some of the script but I couldn't see past these faults to see exactly what I could do to change them. I was aware that the dialogue was clunky and far too explanatory into the characters thoughts and I knew that them speaking what was wrong should be done with action and not with speech. There was a lack of build up or character development that needed a lot of work on so there was more motive in the character/s and maybe a few cliches that could be avoided.
A lot of what I wrote was written just to get through it and I was self aware that what I was writing was subject to change and a lot of the five pages have been changed and shifted around, with the best scenes (in my opinion) making it into draft 1.5 and the missing scenes (Montage) added in as well.
Below are the five pages of the unfinished 0.5/1st draft with feedback from Kamilla. Here you will be able to see the beginnings of the film and what exactly I had in mind but also what exactly was wrong with it. I'll add feedback after each page to explain how I feel about the feedback and afterwards I will explain what I have done to change this in the finished draft.
Things do happen too fast and I think that there isn't enough explanation as to why the business is failing and motive enough for William to do something to help his dad. Like I have said before, the dialogue upon this page is too clunky and should perhaps rely more upon visual images that Kamilla suggested me to do. The beginning needs to establish the town as mis-en-scene a little better and perhaps be a little longer to show the decay and emptiness. And obviously the description of the characters is brief and probably not enough to get an idea about who the characters are and what they may physically look like.
Too much dialogue was within this scene and a lot of it was too self explantory again. But I wasn't sure exactly how to express it at this point. The full draft does not have too much dialogue and I've made sure to replace the dialogue with actions.
Kamilla states that perhaps a character would not state the fact that he needs more bodies in such a way and perhaps this was something that I worked upon on the first proper draft (1.5), which was to make sure that both main characters were never reaching out of their depths in terms of emotional change.
The montage was not complete at this stage and it is something that definitely still needs work on when I go to write the second draft but it's an idea that I have had from the very start of development and is a scene that definitely needs tightening up. I just got worried about he content of it because the killings are the hardest part because I don't want them to be TOO realistic but I don't want them to be too slapstick or gory. So I left out the parts I just could not fill in and I'll admit that the montage was one of the last things that I finished for draft 1.5.
It is towards the end of this script that I started to really get into it and the scenes reflect a more creative approach to the way I've written, or at least that 's how I feel about it. The dialogue for all of this is dispensable and I think that the dialogue is probably the weakest part about this version.
So what has changed for the complete draft which is draft 1.5? Well, I've added tweaks to the story so that now William is coming back from university to find that his dad's business isn't doing too well. This is the motive to helping his Dad, who he thought wasn't doing as bad as he really is. The opening scene with the various locations incorporates William walking through them instead of just showing them, which I feel works better. The montage is complete now and flows better and I now have an ending which I think is good, but I won't spoil it for you. I've also gotten rid of quite a lot of dialogue and replaced with action, and I feel that the story is more complete as a whole rather than just drifting off being under-developed and characters wandering around.
Hopefully these first five pages give you an insight into what is to come and I hope that you enjoy it.
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